Maybe it’s the downward trend of the value of my industry in the labor market, or the crushing sense of imperfection as a single parent, or the time and energy spent raising my brilliant and challenging child, but I haven’t been able to breathe easily for a few… years?
My body and mind have told me over the last two months they’ve had enough. Full strike shut down mode. So a few days ago I gave up on trying to get anything done and doodled.
This might not seem like any major accomplishment but it was. And an important one. It’s been years, and I mean back in college YEARS since I considered myself a visual artist. Drawing and photography were my games. My camera and sketchbook were almost always with me. But someone close to me told me not to bother with trying to be an artist. “The phrase ‘Starving Artist’ exists for a reason!” they warned. That discouragement kept me from pursuing art school.
This is also a big deal because I had been planning to make art again but not acting on it for too long. I bought myself a drawing tablet for Christmas. I actually turned it on in MAY. We’ll have to come back and unpack how perfectionism and imposter syndrome cause creative paralysis. But I finally said, “So what?” to my internal critic and took time to PLAY with the tablet.
I ordered the XP-Pen Artist 12. It’s small, and beginner-friendly. It has a screen! And I am using the free Krita program to get used to how the pen works. There is a bit of a learning curve because the pen and the on-screen mark don’t exactly line up, so it is not like a pencil on paper. I’m getting used to it. There are so many fun brushes and textures to play with, and I’m learning about pressure control. My linework is still pretty shakey, so I have some things to work on, BUT, and this is huge, I’m enjoying the process of just doodling. It has become my calm place. It helps me focus. And it’s using parts of my brain that have been covered in cobwebs for a while.
And so here I am at the age of 42 rediscovering the meaning of life, the universe, and everything, by making time to doodle. I’m letting myself be new and terrible at something. I’m relearning how to draw and renewing an old love by listening to myself and not the people who discouraged an impressionable gal all those years ago.
